Ilang beses na ba ako rumeklamo dito tungkol sa hirap ng pagiging isang single mom. Lalo sa part ko na times three sa lahat.. times three sa kakulitan, times three sa kaguluhan, time three sa kaingayan, times three sa kalokohan..pero okay lang yan, normal naman yan sa mga bata eh. Sino ba ang hindi dumaan sa ganyan? Sino ba ang hindi naging makulit, magulo at maloko nung kabataan nila? Anu yon, bata pa lang Santo na? These are the things that gives joy to a single mother like me. Kahit gaano kagulo-kaingay ang maabutan mo pagdating mo sa bahay galing sa trabaho, ito talaga ung nagiging reason para mapangiti ka. At the end of the day, you would still have enough power to thank God for giving you these rascals. But when life makes an expected turn, at pumasok ang mga times three na problema, like, times three health problems, (as early as now) times three school problems, times three future problems..you cant help but feel depressed not to mention alone.
I believe being a single mom requires a lot from a person, you don’t get vacations from being a mother. Full time work ito, madalas it requires you to make overtime shifts without notice. Hindi pwedeng magfile ka ng leave. It needs full concentration from you. It eats pretty much 95% of your time not to mention your life. The moment you become a mother you already lose your license to be selfish. Yes, you’re not allowed to think of yourself, above everything else, the children…..they’re youre top priority…you have to consider every little aspect of your actions, of your would be actions kase hindi pwedeng bira ng bira ang tirada mo, you have to think first before doing something. You have to consider na baka makaapekto sa kanila kung anu mang magiging hakbang mo. The moment you become a mother, they become your life. Having a baby and taking care of it is too much hard work, when they start growing up, u think the work is lessened? No, its just starting.. the hard work doesn’t stop when your babies become kids. It only gets harder and harder and harder. I think the hardwork stops when you see your children as they come out of the shell you protectively built around them and start makin their own lives. I guess that’s how it is. The hardwork stops but it doesn’t stop you from being their mother. That maybe the easy part in a mother’s life..when you see your children as they successfully live their dreams with you not on the front seats anymore, this time youre just at the background, watching.. AND IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME ngayon pa lang. I know its way too early to start thinking about these things.. OA kung OA.. kaya lang, kapag naging nanay ka na.. you don’t dwell too much sa present.. you tend to think of the future most of the time.
There are times when I question myself with how I raise my children. Its hard to raise them alone. Its hard doing everything for them on a solo flight basis. Like I said, you don’t get vacations from it. Ni hindi ka pwedeng magpachange shift. When you sometimes feel like you’ve had too much already.. you cant do anything but just to let it subside.. because you cant stop. You cant stop being a mother. Its hard and im really trying my best to cope with it. Like now, these are the times I sometimes wish I am not alone. These are the times when I realize how important it is na buo ang family mo. Lalo na kapag mariringgan mo ang mga anak mo having these kind of conversation:
Lian: ate nana, batet wala ato papa?
Julyanah: May papa ka din, ung papa namin ni kahlil papa mo din.
Lian: batet di ko pa cha kita?
Julyanah: eh kase hindi natin siya kasama dito.
Kahlil: ate, ung mga classmate ko papa nila ung nagsusundo sa kanila sa school. Minsan naiinggit ako. Sana may papa din ako. Hindi ko na maalala mukha ni papa.
Julyanah: wala tayong papa eh, wala tayo magagawa, andyan naman si mama.
Lian: Ate nana, tan ba papa natin? Batet wala cha dito?
Julyanah: di ko alam, tanong mo mama, di ko alam sagot.
It breaks my heart to hear them talk about these things. Mula nung pinanganak ung youngest ko, minsan pa lang nya nakita ang tatay nya, she was only 2months old then, not enough to make her remember her father. Si kahlil naman, does remember him pero hindi ganun. We don’t have a picture of him here at home kaya hindi na nya maalala mukha ng tatay nya. And Julyanah, well, it’s a different story, yes she remembers her father very well,, pero what she remembers from him eh ung pain, tears and all the negative stuffs na nawitness nya nung panahong kasama pa namin ang tatay nila. Ask her now if she wants to see her father at isang mabilisang HINDI ang isasagot nya sayo. I don’t teach her to hate her dad after all sya ang tatay.. but no matter how much effort I try I CANT ask her not to hate.. she knows.. she feels.. and she’s hurting.
I think the hardest part in being a single mother is when youre children started asking questions about their father and starts comparing their family from the other “complete” families they see. Its when they ask you a lot of questions, and you don’t have a single answer to give them, you cant answer them truthfully cause it will hurt them more than you…