I was in high school when we were asked to write something about our parents and this includes things to thank them for. And I remembered I got 70 from that exercise for I didn’t really do it. I couldn’t come with anything to write about them so I didn’t really do it.
I was like 3 years old when my mother decided to work out of the country somewhere I couldn’t remember. So, I was left (supposedly) under the care errrr supervision of my father. And what happened was, he will take me with him at work and will leave me to whoever is on duty at that time in his staff. (My father worked in some hotel in ) during weekends, I have the chance to stay at home, dad leaves me with my half brother (who’s a drug junkie) and my sister (who has a tricycle driver suitor and would always let the guy inside the house). And yes, my half siblings lives in the same place where me and my mom’s staying, the only difference is my mom’s not around most of the time so, they’re free to live there. Most of the time, Im left all by myself which is good, I like being alone. I feel much better when im alone. This situation went on until I reached 6th grade.
I remember, some of my classmate’s mothers would tell their children to stay away from me, because of my family background. My father has this image in our neighborhood and I guess everybody else in school knows about it, except me. I spent most of my elementary years keeping to myself, being criticize without doing anything. My parents’ actions, im the one who suffers. My growing up years, mom was never really there. She thought that as long as I go to school, I can eat what I want, I can have anything I want when it comes to material things, she thought that im okay. Being unhappy and uncontented hasn’t crossed her mind. I have been deprived of the most important thing in my life at that time which is LOVE. Never really knew how it is to be loved by your parents. Never knew how it feels to be loved and be taken cared of by my own parents. They were always the “bida” and I was always on the sides just watching over them wondering when they will come to love me. Its like, they’re just there, but I couldn’t get through them. I couldn’t reach them no matter how I try. I later found out why my mother decided to work abroad and that is to stay away from the “chismis” so as not to be hurt daw with what’s happening. I told myself, being away isn’t a guarantee or an assurance that you won’t get hurt of the things that you knew, especially when you know very well that while you’re away, it goes on and on. My father wasn’t really there. He was just at the background with his line up of mistresses. At that time, I was feeling so betrayed, so hopeless about my whole situation. I was thinking, “ hindi na nga nya ako maasikaso tapos nag-anak pa siya sa iba.” Life is so unfair. I’m not asking too much from them. I just want what’s due for me. Is it too much to ask for their love? Is it too much to ask to be loved by your own parents? They chose the kind of life they lead without even thinking that I will be the one to suffer all the consequences that their actions will bring. I was left to face it all alone and I was left to keep it all inside. I never told anyone how I felt that time; I don’t think anyone knew what I was going through that time. I think they just saw me as the typical kid you see out on the streets. At a young age, I already know the feeling of being betrayed, being neglected and left behind. For so long, they’ve been neglecting me, for so long, they’ve been leaving me behind. I’m not included in their plans. For them, I was just an excess baggage. Sad realization but so true. I grew up getting used to the idea that im all alone that im accountable only for myself, that if I didn’t care for myself, nobody will at kung pumalpak ako, wala akong ibang matatakbuhan kundi sarili ko rin. I motivated myself to be strong. Before, I somehow had this character of being strong and brave. People around me thought I can face everything. But they’re wrong, ive always been weak, I am not as strong as everybody else thinks of me.
For years and years, I came to conclusion that my parents will not learn to love me the way they should so I just contented myself with just myself….I have forgiven my father already. I have come to terms with my anger and hatred for him. I know he badly needed peace wherever he is right now. And happy that after several years, I was able to heal myself from the wounds he has caused me. I have my own children now and I know that no matter how hard the situation is, I will do everything to let them know and feel how important they are to me and how much I love them.
There I was giving out advices about love, life and happiness to other people when in fact im the one who needs advices. Im the one who’s so screwed up. But when I try to think about my own life, it all comes down to those nurtured anger, disappointment and hatred that ive succeeded in keeping all my 27 years of living.
I still have this bleeding heart….its a long way to recovery but I know someday, somehow I’ll be able to heal myself completely…..